Little Fucking Mutants

So now its all pretty much over.  The holidays are past, and we can face the pain and horror of the new year with...something in our hearts.  This time of the year provides us an opportunity to reflect, and to share those reflections, to share our lives with those about whom we care.  Many people will share little updates about their lives and how their kids are doing and what not.  Which brings me to the point.

No one fucking cares about your kids, except you.

If I had a nickel for every stupid fucking email filled with updates about some loathsome twat’s mutant offspring, I could buy and sell aircraft carriers for fun.  This irritates the living shit out of me.  I didn’t want to know the little shits were still alive, but people just have to fucking share.  If I want to see the next generations mindless automatons, all I need to do is open a window.  Your kids are no fucking different.  I know you like to think that they are wonderful and precious and special.  They just aren’t.  They’re stupid, just like you.  They’re completely self absorbed, just like you.  In fact, the only things that really separate adults from children are the following:

1. Children have more creative lies


2. We have better bladder control

Any other differences are cosmetic, relative, or bullshit.  Sorry folks.  Actually, I’m not sorry at all.  You should be, for having the little freaks in the first place.

Somehow, every holiday season becomes an orgy in the Cult of The Child, where everything must be about the precious little mutant lumps.  Normally I hate children.  During the holidays, I wish I was the 10th plague and we were all Egyptians.  

That guy, who adopted those kids, then kept them in cages?  He had the right idea, only he was too nice to them.  I’ve been of the opinion that kids should be kept in cages until they are 18 since one of my fellow mutants felt the need to use a claw hammer on another one of my fellow mutants over a difference of opinion on color.  It was truly driven home when an entire large group of my fellow mutants decided to try and stone another fellow mutant over the basis of a bunch of rumors that upset the power structure.  

Humans are primates, just like apes.  Apes are just more evolved, apparently.  Nowhere is this behavior more apparent then in the behavior of our children.  As much as I rail against our bad habits as adults, these habits are more pronounced and more vicious, more primal somehow, in children.  If you people are running fingernails on a chalkboard, and you are, the children are an infinite number of fingernails running across infinite numbers of chalkboards.  The sheer cruelty that these little fucking monsters generate in their quest to satisfy their id puts the greediest Robber Baron to shame.

Truly, the saddest part of that fact, is that we encourage them, we MAKE them like this.  Every parent wants to see their child do better then they did.  Most of them succeed, but not in the ways they wish.  They teach them every bad habit, every dirty trick, then get surprised and disappointed when their kids are better assholes then they are.

I guess you could say I hate bad parents, not kids.

Truthfully, I hate them both.  The parents for making them, and the kids for being.

Too bad there are 6.2 billion of them out there.